Lies We Tell Children: A Deep Dive

This article delves into the various lies that adults tell children, examining their motives and consequences. The author, Paul Graham, argues that adults often mislead children with the best intentions but that these lies can have lasting effects. The article explores how these lies shape children's understanding of the world, their identities, and their perception of authority.

• Adults constantly lie to children, often to protect them.
• Graham categorizes the lies into different categories, including: protection, sex (and drugs), innocence, death, identity, authority, and peace.
• He argues that while some lies might be justified, others are more harmful and contribute to a distorted view of the world.

The Conspiracy of Lies

The article highlights a common conspiracy among adults to shield children from certain truths. It suggests that adults often answer children's questions about complex topics with the phrase "Ask your parents," perpetuating a system of controlled information.

• All adults are part of this conspiracy, creating a shared narrative for children.
• Children often discover these lies by encountering contradictions within the information they're given.
• The consequences of discovering these lies can be traumatic, as seen in Einstein's experience.

Protection: A Double-Edged Sword

One of the most common justifications for lying to children is protection. While it seems harmless to create a safe and nurturing environment for children, this can backfire if it's taken too far.

• The author compares the protective environment provided to children to that of a prisoner.
• He argues that overprotection can lead to a distorted view of the world and can negatively affect children's development.
• The article uses the example of suburbia as a protected environment that can feel suffocating to teenagers.

The Truth About Sex (and Drugs)

Adults often conceal the truth about sex and drugs from children, often citing dangers like pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and addiction.

• The author argues that these are not the only reasons parents discourage sex and drug use among teenagers.
• He believes that a deep-seated taboo against child sex, even though teenagers are biologically adults, is the primary reason.
• The article emphasizes the difficulty in reconciling modern parenting values of confidence with the need to protect children from potential harm.

Preserving Innocence: A Balancing Act

The article explores the concept of innocence and its role in the lies told to children. Adults want to maintain a sense of innocence in their children, often prohibiting certain behaviors and language.

• The author suggests that swearing is a marker of adulthood, separating children from the adult world.
• He connects the desire for innocence with the inherent fondness adults have for helplessness, as seen in the cuteness of children and toys.
• Innocence, in this context, also refers to open-mindedness, as the article argues that certain knowledge can hinder learning.

Death: The Ultimate Taboo

The article discusses the way adults often conceal the reality of death from children, often resorting to elaborate lies and evasions.

• The author shares his own childhood experiences with the death of his first cat and his grandfather, highlighting the lies he was told.
• He suggests that the fear of death, especially in young children, drives this particular type of deception.
• The article points out that children often want to be lied to, preferring to believe in a comfortable and safe world.

Identity: Constructed Through Lies

The article examines how adults shape children's identities through lies, particularly concerning ethnicity and religion.

• The author argues that the lie of identity is one of the most persistent, as it's difficult to shake off.
• He suggests that ethnic and religious identities are often established through arbitrary beliefs and customs, which become ingrained in the child's sense of self.
• The article uses the example of parents from different religions who choose to raise their children within a specific faith, creating a sense of identity that might not have been their own.

Lies of Authority: Power and Control

The article explores the use of lies to maintain authority over children, ranging from minor deceptions to more sinister forms.

• Adults often conceal their flaws and shortcomings from children, either to protect them or to maintain their image.
• The author uses the example of divorce books that often downplay the role of one parent in the separation, suggesting that preserving the respect for parents is prioritized over honesty.
• This type of lie can lead to children feeling inadequate and failing to meet unrealistic standards set by adults.

School: Where Lies Are Dressed Up as Truth

The article examines the role of schools in perpetuating lies, both intentional and unintentional.

• The author argues that simplification of complex ideas for teaching can lead to the inclusion of propaganda in the curriculum.
• He criticizes textbooks for presenting a sanitized version of history, often omitting inconvenient truths or emphasizing certain perspectives.
• The article uses the example of George Washington Carver's inclusion in a list of famous scientists, suggesting that this was more about representation than actual achievement, potentially misleading children.

The Power of Peace: Lies to Maintain Order

The article concludes by highlighting the use of lies to maintain peace, both in the relationship between adults and children and in the larger world.

• The author suggests that lies are often used to avoid confrontation and to protect adults from the emotional reactions of children.
• He uses the example of his friend who lied to his son about a Thanksgiving turkey's desire to be eaten, illustrating the instinctive nature of this type of deception.
• The article warns that this type of calming lie can lead to a sense of complacency, allowing harmful issues to persist.

Truth Debt: The Cost of Deception

The article ends with a call to action for adults to acknowledge and address the lies they were told during childhood.

• The author suggests that adults arrive at adulthood with a "truth debt" that requires clearing.
• He argues that the process of uncovering and unlearning these lies is essential for personal growth and understanding.
• The article emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and the use of our own experience as adults to identify and dismantle the lies we were told.