Talking to Teenagers: Helping Children Open Up

It can be challenging to get teenagers to talk openly about what's bothering them. This article provides parents with practical advice and tips on how to encourage communication and help children feel safe to share their concerns.

Don't Judge Your Teenager

It's crucial to approach conversations with teenagers without judgment. Instead of assuming they are wrong or foolish, show respect for their intelligence and curiosity about their choices. This creates a more open and trusting environment for them to share their perspective.

• Avoid labeling their behavior as "stupid" or "wrong." This can make them defensive and less likely to open up.
• Show genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings. Ask open-ended questions and listen actively.

Avoid Assuming You Know What's Wrong

Refrain from jumping to conclusions about what might be bothering your teenager. Instead of asking leading questions like "Are you being bullied?", try expressing concern and asking open-ended questions like "I've been worried about you. You seem different lately. Is there anything going on that you'd like to talk about?"

Be Clear That You Want to Help

Let your teenager know that you are there to support them through any difficulties they may be facing. If you suspect substance use, address it gently but directly. Reassure them that you are there to help them navigate these challenges.

• Avoid judgmental language or accusations. Instead, express your concern and offer support.
• Let them know that you are not there to punish them but to help them through whatever they are dealing with.

Be Honest Yourself

Teenagers are perceptive and will notice if you're not practicing what you preach. If you have your own struggles with alcohol or other issues, acknowledge them and strive to set a positive example. This demonstrates your authenticity and can make it easier for them to confide in you.

Help Your Teenager Think for Themselves

Instead of trying to be the expert on their life, empower them to think critically and make their own decisions. Encourage them to consider the potential implications of their choices and develop their own coping strategies.

• Discuss the potential consequences of poor choices. For example, "How does smoking weed make you feel the next day? How might that affect your performance in sports?"
• Encourage them to think critically about what they see and hear. "So Paul said X: Is that what you think?"
• Boost their confidence by reminding them of their strengths and what you admire about them. This helps them feel capable of facing challenges.
• Provide them with access to reliable information on drugs, sex, and smoking. This empowers them to make informed decisions.
• Help them develop coping mechanisms. "When you feel like that, is there anything you can do to make yourself feel better?"
• Encourage them to weigh the pros and cons of their behavior.

Pick Your Battles

Constant nagging can lead to resistance and make it difficult to have meaningful conversations with teenagers. Choose your battles wisely, focusing on more significant issues like substance use or risky behavior while overlooking minor disagreements, such as clothing choices. This maintains open lines of communication for when you need to address more serious concerns.

Try Not to React to Angry Outbursts

Teenagers often lash out at the people they love most when they are feeling confused or overwhelmed. Their harsh words are not necessarily a reflection of their feelings for you but rather a result of their own internal struggles. Don't take their words personally and try to understand the underlying emotions driving their behavior.

Help Your Teenager Feel Safe

Teenagers may fear that confiding in adults will lead to negative consequences. Reassure them that you are there to support them and will not take any actions they are not comfortable with. This is particularly important in cases of bullying. If your child opens up about being bullied, validate their feelings and assure them that it's not their fault. Work together to address the issue and build their confidence.

Ask the Right Questions

Open-ended questions are more effective than confrontational or leading questions. Instead of asking "What did you eat for lunch?", try "How has your day been?" or "How are you feeling?" This encourages your teenager to share their thoughts and emotions freely.